his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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