According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
