My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
