ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
