Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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