dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
