omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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