then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Four minutes until I can fart!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
