you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
