He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
