This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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