i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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