My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
