My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Randomize
