sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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