Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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