You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The uberlube is also flammable
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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