paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
