Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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