I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
