My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
