So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
