Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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