I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
