you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
