Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
