i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
