I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
