I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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