god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
