if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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