Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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