The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
