1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
