just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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