I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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