Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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