at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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