You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
