You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
