Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
God, I missed his penis.
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