why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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