Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
