Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
