Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
