I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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