apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
