your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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