and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
