if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
