Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
