I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
