The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
