smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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