I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
